One 2 many cupcakes
Choking on my current state
A painted dream
Is so obscene
Always caught up in between
Finding time to run away
A sacred time for me to play
Deep within my hidden tent
I found myself I must repent
Awaken now u have it all
Awaken now I will not fall

Today is a very strange day… my feelings are filled with uncertainty. Unsure what to think what to feel what to be… Like what is this reality? My dog has hardly eaten nor have I. Beyond suffering from a cold I lie. I can’t deny I want to hide. Go outside and take a ride. It’s dark and cold were sick I’m told. Waiting anticipating as things unfold.

I have a fairy tale
I’m sure I’ve told a few
My moments are enchanted
I vant to be with you

A vampire in disguise
I’m flying through the trees
Glistening in the sun
State of disbelief

Caught in the moment
Transitioning to the moon
My love shall come along
Just don’t come to soon

So I know you must be wondering what I’ve been up to… I went to Outside Lands this past weekend! I must say Tenacious D was FREAKIN AWESOME!!! My ultimate favorite show. And of course Incubus’ seductive ass! Man that boy knows he’s cute and will definitely take advantage haha. I missed Atmosphere UNFORTUNATELY! The one band I really really wanted to see. I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

Outside of Outside Lands I’ve been working and cleaning fun fun fun! I work for a new company now called Crushpad. I must say it’s been a great experience so far. Here is an article that talks about some of the people here and what we do… http://www.packagingdigest.com/article/CA6686076.html. Or you can go to www.crushpadwine.com. It’s a really neat place to be and I’m excited to learn how to make wine! Most of my time is spent working on the shopping carts for all the wine brands we support I think I’m going to learn to love wine by the time this is over. I had some mighty tasty bubbly yesterday when we kicked off harvest! Yay!

I know I’ve been super busy and somewhat neglectful.
I should learn to be more respectful
There’s just too many things on my mind.
I can barely find the time to be myself.
Focused on health… happiness and wealth.
Searching for freedom beneath the stealth.
Uncertain.
Still hurtin.
But knowing deep down I will succeed.
Damn this sucks… I’m always in need.
So what’s next?

Final Note — Love thy self!

I feel so happy today. Doing good things for yourself and others is a great way to boost your self esteem. I ordered some flowers for my grandma just because and every time I think about her receiving them my heart lights up I also got my nails and hair done hehe. I feel super accomplished like everything is falling right into place. I’m going out of town tomorrow yay! I love my family and friends and can’t wait to spend some quality time with them.

Oh my word… my dreams for some reason aren’t as happy In my dream last night I was trying to take a shower while being harassed by my grandma. I was so angry and irritated. Sometimes I think my dreams are an outlet for negative feelings. I’ve been pretty happy lately so I guess the negative has to come out somehow. I just wish my dreams could be pleasant.

Final Note — Happy milk comes from happy cows

I’ve slightly missed my train
Tempted to refrain
I try to remain myself
On my way to a new destination
Without hesitation
This time focusing on my health
A bad thought or deed here and there
But petty to compare
The love I urn to share
Scared of the ridicule
From friends and foe
Trying not to be gay
Searching for a way
To say how I feel
Is this for real?
Insecure for so long
Unsure I’m worth loving
My heart broken and heart breaking past
Flashes before my eyes
Removing the disguise
I thought I had to hide
Still in disbelief
A threatening relief

Final Note — Train rides are good for the environment and your brain!

Happy valentines day! It’s my first time having a “valentine” in 2 years! Even when I had a valentine I felt broken hearted… I guess my last valentine wasn’t the giving type. I’m not the typical girl but I still like flowers and chocolates Ironically part of me is happy that my new valentine didn’t go that route. It felt more real than ever. Genuine I guess you can say. Hopefully he’ll keep up the good work and luckily he doesn’t know my website address! Haha valentine in your face.

Having it fall on the evening of Friday the 13th was a nice twist. We watched a super scary movie… He made me a nice dinner. It was pretty impressive… Food is the key to my heart I think this one might be a keeper. Time will tell.

Oh my valentines day isn’t over yet! I’m going to an event tonight called “Fuck Valentines Day”. There’s going to be some crazy performances… Blood and gore and all! I’m super excited I need to keep my heart in check haha. I’m sure this will do the trick. Seeing a bunch of bitter love haters on valentines day is a dream come true

Final Note — ALL girls like flowers and chocolates… ALL.

If u don’t care then why should I?
I torment myself inside
trying to fulfill you
but what about me?
Or the friends I leave.
Why can’t I hold the power?
how could you NOT
want to shower
with this?
A bitch no.
Try the most generous fool in the book.
The same sad ending
you took me for granted.

Final Note — A little too late goes a long way…

I’d like to say something positive. Despite my silent bitter state. A strange sense of happiness. Hearing the powerhouse words of passengers of the same boat. Am I like them? Are they like me? I hear myself in their words. I feel their struggle their passion. A quest for answers.

When spoken in such a manor one begins to believe… this truly is a silly life we live. Our states of mind fluctuate depending on our current scenario. A constant pretender in this world based on lies. Lust, lack of trust, people of dust my heart has rusted through. I’m tired of trying to please others. I need to focus on myself.

Final Note — Spoken Word! don’t knock it till you try it